Marriage and Infertility

My hubby and I have been married for almost 5 years. Never once did I think that we would have trouble trying to conceive. We really had it all planned out.

Get Married, Enjoy Life, Have a Baby...well let's rewind to Enjoy life, because that's were our plans stopped. We have not made it to the Have a Baby part. We have been trying for 3 1/2 years though, with no success. So how do you keep you marriage strong and healthy with such a big battle trying to overcome your life!? I ask myself that questions all the time, and I pray about that all the time. I need help from the Lord on that issue, I cannot handle our marriage and infertility on my own.

The first step for me was to realize that I need help, I need the Lord to give us both the help that we need. For years I was so focused on our infertility and how badly I wanted a baby, how badly I wanted to be a mother. I would see everyone else becoming a mother, and I would see so many little babies everywhere. It hurt me to the core each and every time. It was at the point where I was not being the wife that my hubby needed. It was all about me, all the time. I really did not see that until last year. So for 2 years that was our life. I get so emotional every time I think about it, because I hate what I have put my hubby through. He was so kind and caring, but I pushed him way too far for way too long.

We have since started to mend our hearts from all the heartache. The Lord has helped me in so many ways. All I did was pray. I saw things change right in front of my eyes, within days. I was so broken. I was so happy that I saw hope for happiness again. Not just daily grief over what I do not have, and there are constant reminders of that everywhere it just depends on how you look at them. I am so far from where I want to be, and I will never be perfect. I will always need the Lord's help.

When I am feeling so low and so sad. I try to remember other who are praying just to be healthy, or others who are praying just to have a chance at a pregnancy as well. I do not know if we will ever have a child of our own, but I hope and pray that the Lord will bless us in His time and in His way. As hard as infertility is, having the Lord on my side makes it so much easier.

Really, once we got our happiness back I felt like I have conquered the biggest battle of all.

I would love to hear about any of your Marriage and Infertility lessons.

Today I feel so blessed to have my Lord helping me through this journey of infertility.

Provera, you make me feel so bad!!

I have been on Provera for 4 days now, and it's a 10 day pill. I have not been feeling like myself ever since I started the Provera. I think I have half of the side affects that it mentioned on the pamphlet. Unusual tiredness, headache, bloating, nausea, painful/frequent urination, and cravings!! Those are all the symptoms that I am having. The biggest one for me has been tiredness and headache. I have just been so miserable. Yesterday I went for my walk, I usually walk about 2 miles 4-5 times a week, well I almost could not move my legs. I ended up doing one mile, and I was so exhausted. Today I didn't even think about going on my walk. I am so tired. It is like a whole body weakness, all over tiredness. Exhaustion.

I just find it so strange that I am having so many side affects this time with the Provera. Last year I was on Provera 3 different times, and I felt better than ever. I remember how happy I was that I was feeling so good. Now, it is totally opposite, I am counting down the days to my last pill like every 5 minutes!! Like right now, I could eat so many cookies. I am craving chocolate chip/peanut butter cookies!! I really think I am making a batch tonight! This is not good, no walking and tons of cookies!! AHHH!!

On Sunday we went to a Cleveland Indians game, I took no pictures, I was so disappointed. First of all, I was freezing cold, and then on the way home I started to feel so nauseous, and I had to pee so bad I felt sick. That is so not me, it just hit me like a ton of bricks!! I wish so bad I had taken a picture of the restroom that we had to stop at, it was horrible, it didn't even have a lock!!!! But I was desperate! Hubby and I had a good laugh after we were outta there!! HA! Sunday is when the side affects started, later that night I got a horrible headache that I have had ever since! I am ready to be done with Provera. I am also not forgetting that this could be the way to our little blessing, so it is worth all of the misery!!

I have been thinking a lot about how IF affects your everyday life. It affects more than just not being able to conceive. I think it makes me so tired. It wears your body down physically, emotionally and mentally. I know the Provera is doing that to me as well, but when I am doing any type of treatment for our IF, I wear myself out. I stress myself out over the waiting, the timing of everything, the what-ifs, the hoping and sometimes with the fear. I have been trying so hard to think positive thoughts and not let this cycle consume me. I am still very much working on living in the moment!!

I really wanted to get feedback from anyone who had ever been on Provera, I would love to hear about how it went and if you had any of these symptoms/side affects!

Today I feel so blessed to have another opportunity to try Clomid, and to hopefully be one step closer to our little blessing.

Provera, Clomid and lots of Prayer!!

My Doctor called!!!

It was Thursday night, we were on the porch grilling out. The whole day I had been checking the phone anxiously awaiting a phone call from the Doctor. My wonderful hubby was in the house, and all of a sudden he brings my ringing phone out to me and it was the clinic's number!! We were both so excited. I was so happy that my hubby was in the house when my phone rang. I cannot believe I didn't have it right by me, but it worked out perfectly.

Here is the wrap up of my conversation with my Doctor:

He said my test results all came back great, and by great he means it's OK for me to start a cycle of Clomid!! My progesterone levels were only at 0.5, he said I was not ovulating at all with those levels. I knew that was so, in the back if my mind I just knew I was not ovulating. So that was not a shock to me. I try my best to face reality throughout our IF journey. It is so easy to get your hopes us every month to make you think that you are pregnant.

Here is what we will be doing next:

I am now starting to take Provera to get my cycle started, after I took a pregnancy test. It is very important to take a pregnancy test prior to starting Provera, mine came out negative so I started my Provera last night! Once my cycle starts I will be starting Clomid! I will be starting off our first month at 200MG of Clomid, exactly a year ago I was on my 2nd month of Clomid at 100MG. The highest I ever went was 150MG, which was May of 2009, and I had a slight rise in my progesterone with the 150MG. So I am REALLY curious what the 200MG will do for me!!! This would be my 4th round of Clomid in my lifetime.

You might be wondering why I am not doing an HSG. I talked to my Dr. about that when he called on Thursday. I was so glad that I did. He would recommend that we try the first month of 200MG of Clomid, and see how I react to that. If I get a good reaction to it, like my progesterone levels raising, then most likely my tubes are open and good. He said 90% of the time the HSG reveals good, open fallopian tubes. I was so happy that I asked him, and that he was honest with me about it. He is very direct and to the point, which I love!!

I will need to schedule blood work around CD 17-18 to check my progesterone levels to see if I ovulated!! I hope and pray that I will ovulate. It is so crazy to think that we are doing Clomid again, I am really excited to get started. I feel at peace about this. Which is the best feeling in the world.

Right now I only want to think about this month, this round of Clomid, not our future. I want to focus on today, and not wish my tomorrows away. I want to live in the moment, and be happy in the moment!! Too many times I have ruined today because of worry. God can take all my worries so that I do not have to deal with them, they weigh me down so much. So today my blessing is that God lifts my burdens from me, and takes my worries away. Too me that is a huge blessing!!

Has God lifted any of your burdens, or taken any of your worries away? I would love to hear about how God has helped you today!!

Anxiously Awaiting Results

I am so excited to get my results from the blood work that I had done on Friday. My Doctor could call any day now. Thank you all for your comments on my last post! They helped me out so much, and I learned a lot too! I have decided to have my HSG done prior to the Clomid, but I still need to find out around how much we will need to pay for that procedure. Why can't conceiving just be free like it's supposed to be!!! I also found out that the HSG must be done sometime from CD 7-10, to ensure that you are not pregnant at the time of the procedure. I am just so excited to see what the next few months will hold for us.

As much heartache that infertility brings, it has taught me to count my blessings and embrace what I DO have. So today that is my blessing!!

Our Infertility Consultation Recap

I am happy to report that our consultation went very well yesterday. I was so nervous, and I think I was just so excited that we are actually, finally seeing a specialist! Its been 3 and a half years, and it felt so good to see a Doctor that is very confident, very professional, very caring and very smart. I was so thrilled with our Doctor.

First of all we met with our Doctor in his office, not an exam room! I was lovin' that. It felt so nice to just talk to him and not feel stressed with being in an exam room. We were just sitting back and sharing as much information with him as we could. He was able to put together more pieces to our IF puzzle, so that he could treat us better!

I asked him if he would say I have PCOS. He said PCOS has such a broad range of symptoms that a lot of people fall into the PCOS category, so he said he would call my problem"traumatic anovulation." Basically I do not ovulate, not even with the couple of rounds of Clomid that I took a year ago. So he wants to do some blood work to see if there is something in the way of the Clomid not working. After I get the results from the blood work, we will need to have made our decision if we want to start Clomid this cycle. I have a very irregular cycle, so I will need to take Provera to start my cycle ASAP. He said he doesn't like to have a woman go longer than 2 months without a cycle, because the uterine lining will build up too much. I am right around the 2 month mark, so it could work our perfectly. I am going in tomorrow for my blood work, with the results coming next week. If everything comes back "good" we will probably take Provera to start my cycle, then take Clomid! He wants to give me stronger doses of Clomid, the strongest I took last time was 150mg, he wants to try 200-250mg.

Then...

If Clomid would not work for us, we would look into Fertility shots. Which will be more expensive and more invasive, also there is a bigger chance of multiples with the shots. I was so impressed with how the Dr. was stressing that they do not take that lightly. They want to try every other option before they will try the shots on us, due to the risk of multiples. If we get to this point, we will need to think and pray about when we would want to start the shots. I am sure we would wait a while after the Clomid to start the shots. The Dr. also wants me to get an HSG done. I would like to get that done even before we start the Clomid. I would love to hear from anyone who has had an HSG done. Did you do it before Clomid, or did you wait until before a more invasive form of treatment?

After we went over all of that. He asked us if hubby had ever been checked, and he never was. So we were able to get that done right away, and the Dr. called tonight with the results!! I was so shocked that he called already, he told me that he will call on Friday. So I was super excited when hubby picked up that call!! I think that my hubby was surprised as well, after the Dr. told hubby the results hubby told the Dr. that I would like to talk to him. I thought that was so sweet of my hubby to do that, he knows how important this all is to me. So I took the phone, nervous with anticipation, the Dr. said the results were back and hubby is 100% perfect!! I was thrilled!! I always felt that he was, but was never sure, so now we are sure!! The Dr. was so nice, he asked me if I had done my blood work yet, and I told him tomorrow that will be done, he said that's great!! I was so thrilled that he asked about that, I really felt that he cared and wanted to get this process going. I was so excited about how quickly he gets things done, yet at the same time he told us not to feel pressured into anything they suggest. They just want to give us all of our options, and then they let us go from there, with no pressure!!

Also, at the appointment he did an ultrasound on me to check my cysts on my ovaries (again, I was so surprised how quickly he got things done). My right ovary has more cysts than my left. He was glad to see the cysts, because that reaffirmed him that I was not ovulating. He said that cysts are caused by anovulation, each month you do not ovulate, those eggs form cysts on your ovary. Then once you start to ovulate the cysts will disappear. I was so impressed with how much I learned from him in such a little amount of time.

So...

My main problem is that I do not ovulate.

Hubby checked out perfectly

Cannot wait to find out the results from my bloodworm

Our next step will be Clomid!!

I would really appreciate your prayers. Prayers specifically for a clear mind to make the right decisions, and for good blood work levels, and of course for the Clomid to work!!

I feel so blessed to have found a Doctor that we both liked and felt really comfortable with.

Infertility Consultation

It is so hard for me to believe that tomorrow is the big day! I still remember back in the Fall of 2009 when I made the appointment, I thought that April will never come! Now I am sitting here very nervous, and yet full of joy about what lies ahead tomorrow.

Let's just say that my cycle is not cooperating. So I have many questions to ask the Dr. tomorrow. I have recently been reading a lot about PCOS, and I know that I have symptoms of that. I was diagnosed with a slight case of PCOS at the beginning of our TTC journey. I had already known a lot about PCOS, but I think that I was kidding myself. For so long I felt that it doesn't matter that I have PCOS, I can still conceive. Well, when you do not ovulate, you cannot get pregnant! I think I have finally realized that I cannot give myself false hope (anyone going through IF knows what I mean). I know that I have not got my hopes up for a pregnancy like I used to, but there is still that small thought that goes through my mind when I think that I am having a pregnancy symptoms, which are not pregnancy symptoms. I know that I have problems that need to be addressed. Problems that I hope and pray have answers and treatments. After 3 years and 7 months of TTC, I pray that our TTC journey is coming to an end.

Today I feel so blessed that we have an appointment with a fertility specialist tomorrow. I pray that the Lord will guide us and our Dr. closer to our miracle tomorrow!!

Easter

I hope you all had a wonderful Easter!!

We had lunch at my parents home, which was of course delicious!! We started the day going to our Church, I always love to see all the people that come for Easter Sunday. It would be so nice to have our Church so full on every Sunday!!

I always cut off the hubby's head when we take a picture!

Finally, hubby's head is in the picture! HA!


Today I feel so blessed to have a Saviour that laid His life down for mine!! I am so undeserving of His love. I am so far from perfect, I have so much to work on to display the love of our God to others. My Mom got me and my hubby a devotional book for Easter, I thought that was such a thoughtful gift. Because celebrating our Lord is the real reason for Easter!!