How Infertility Still Affects Me

Four painful years of trying to conceive has brought many rough consequences for me.

Here are just a few...

 I treasure my daughter so much it hurts.

 I worry so much about her, that it makes me worry, I worry too much. In the back of my head I always worry that she will somehow just not be real anymore. She is the best part of me, my little helper, my friend, my child, my daughter, my Blessing, my miracle, my baby, my unbelievable gift that I thought I would never receive. When we finally got pregnant with her I had already mentally prepared myself that I will never have a biological child of my own. We had received a negative result on our last try to conceive at that time in our lives, only to be followed with a positive result a few days later. So as that positive result turned into a growing belly, then a newborn baby, now a toddler somehow, some days it still doesn't seem real to me. So why should I even want another one, when I have already been so Blessed by her?

I struggle with wanting to try to conceive again. Some concerns are that I look at trying to conceive as heartache, pain, emotional letdown, not the joyous experience that it is made to be.

Infertility has made me second guess wanting another child, I feel so BEYOND blessed with our daughter and that we were even given the opportunity to have her, that it has truly fulfilled my deepest longing as a Mother. There are a couple things that make me think differently, and that is a sibling for our daughter, and wow, another Blessing from above. Could I possibly be lucky enough to have another child of my own?

Infertility is lurking in the future. I am a Christian woman, I am a Child of the King. I am well aware of how miracles happen each and everyday. The Lord might have other plans for me when/if we start TTC again. Maybe we won't have infertility awaiting us, maybe it will be a joyous journey from START to finish, Realistically infertility awaits me. Pain awaits me. Heartache awaits me. Do I really want to take that gamble?

I look back and remember how infertility sadly ruled my life, my emotions, my marriage. Why would I ever want to welcome that back into my life, when I have the most precious little girl, and an amazing husband (with whom I am still trying to heal many hurts due to infertility) in my life...here...now. I want to live in the moment with them, I want to treasure each new word she says, I want to feel each kiss she gives me without the sting of another negative in the back of my mind. My husband needs me...ALL of me. My daughter needs me...ALL of me.

I am selfish. I am not ready to give away time that I spend with my daughter to another child. Will I ever be ready? Will I ever feel at peace with a decision? I feel like she need me so much at this time in her life. Will I ever feel like she doesn't?

It's been 2.5 years since I had to think about infertility on a daily basis, but each day since then it has affected me in some way. Sadly I wonder if I will ever be free from this awful thing called infertility.